If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do
not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the
gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all
faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give
away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do
not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not
jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not
seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over
injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:1-7).
Marriage
is like football, the winning team is ordinarily the one that makes the most
significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what valuable coaches
ensure at half-time – providing the players the key adjustments that will bring
them on the lead in the final quarters. A triumphant marriage needs the same
mind-set. A couple needs to be aware that surprises requiring proactive
adjustments are anticipated in a relationship, like opposing cultural
backgrounds,[1] the spouse is perhaps a
refined young lady while the other is a real bumpkin.
Some
issues sparking the need for adjustments in marriage are major, like being
raised in a dual or single-parent family or being an only child or growing up
with several siblings, or coming from a disadvantaged family, or a family that is
privileged, or growing up with parents who do not adapt any religious faith or
perhaps lax about it.
Whether
we like or it not, a couple will have to adjust to opposing traditions, values,
habits, and rules acquired in unique upbringings. As a moment in time flips,
other adjustments to sexual performance, monetary burdens, and career pressures
may be involved, which needs a big tweaking in a small package – like an adjusting B-A-B-Y, the first child!
Every
so often, it’s the minor differences that trigger the most frustration and
requires the most imaginative springiness, as the saying goes, “Human is fatigued
less by the mountain he/she clambers than by the grain of sand in her/his
shoe.”
Practically
marital relationships suffer some serious disappointments within a few months
after nuptial[2] causing romantic love to
almost fade if not resolved urgently. This is because of romantic love which is
based on physical and emotional longing and desire (that’s self-centered) that
envelopes one’s persona than agape form of love that supposed to be the heart of a relationship, which does not depend on any
lovable or unlovable qualities that one possesses. As soon as these longings of
romantic love are filled, that “big turn on” of romantic love becomes less passionate.
Some
of these changes are readily anticipated while others are unexpected[3]
that may cause frustration or even fear.
Although many adjustments must be made, the investment in marriage
relationship makes it worthwhile and can even pay off better than expected. Any
meaningful commitment requires nonstop maintenance. No one can assume a good
marriage relationship develops by itself; it is much like a newly planted
garden.
Further,
the romantic approach taken into courtship and companion selection leads one to
romanticize her/his spouse unrealistically. In the long run, these expectations
are re-tested and rivaled to more genuine ones. Thus, partners sometimes denunciate
each other of changing but it is more likely that they are just finally seeing
each other as they really are.
Psychologist
Harry Stack Sullivan says, “When the satisfaction or the security of another
person becomes as significant for one as is one's own satisfaction or security,
then the state of love exists.” The good news about the displeasure that
couples might encounter in the early years of marriage is that once spouses
accept one another as they really are, they are able to develop this kind of attachment. This type of bond is far more long-lasting,
sheltered, and worthwhile than the romantic love the
media nowadays basically articulated.
Twisting this “honeymoon's over" period into a growth experience
|
Treat
this period as a transition that all couples experience but not as a sign of a
bad marriage.
Focus
on adjusting yourself rather than attempting to change your spouse and the best
way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. People are more
likely to transform when they feel accepted.
Impart
your feelings about the adjustment with your better half. It can certainly be disparaging if it is not done with thoughtfulness. Avoid
argument, blaming, or name calling. “You lied to me about yourself,” will not
be very beneficial. “I don't know about you, but I could sense like things are unusual
than I expected” can lead to a discussion. It may be heartening for both to
realize that the spouse has also had feelings of dissatisfaction and the need
for adjustment.
Reinforce
the marital vow. Instead of using force to aspire for someone else (with whom
there will be just as much or even deeper adjustments), invest effort to become a
good spouse and do all the flexibility to be understanding of her/him.
Be
filled with positive thoughts through generous appreciation, compliment, and
affection, being the simplest but most significant things that couples can do. Strong
marriages need a balance of five positives to one negative.
Many
marriages break up during adjustment stage of marriage.[4]
This is because most young people do not understand the value of adjustment in
marriage.
Things that young couples should be aware of during adjustment period
|
Just
like a child grows up in phases, life after marriage also develops in phases,
which has to be dealt with in a different approach. It is by far the most
difficult stage of marriage but life after marriage progresses as a beautiful masterpiece,
once it is overruled.
The
period of adjustment in marriage phase begins right after honeymoon ends and
when the couple starts living together under the same roof as man and wife. It may
last for one year or a couple of years. However, if one feels that the adjustment phase is not over even after 3 years of marriage, then it is something to
be anxious about. The reason perhaps is you are not spending enough time together.
This
is probably the most noticeable phase because the couple actually sees each
other as normal people and not as sweethearts. All the minor, insignificant
defects of the partner strike the other as serious offenses. Rages soar, voices
raise and tears shed. Nothing in this stage is casual. Even a quarrel as to who
will use the bathroom first can be a severe issue.
Adjustment in Marriage Phase
|
Adjustments
in all areas of marriage are dependent on the quality of the couple’s communication
and on their shared concern. Each partner is an individual. Respect each other
and try to empathize with each other's needs.
First,
consider that your spouse is going through the same things that you are. In a
marriage, 'ego' has to be kept aside. This is a game that two play and both
win.
Refrain
from thinking of your spouse as 'external' to you. You two are now navigating
in the same ship; any imbalance from either side will sink the ship. No matter
how much or how seriously you fight, you must make up before you go to sleep.
Don't harbor a grudge until the next day.
The sexual aspect of marriage is significant and should last throughout life. It is important for both partners to understand various methods of birth control. It is difficult to be sexually responsive when stresses or unresolved conflicts are on one’s mind. Don’t be afraid to talk with your spouse about feelings, desires, fears or fantasies. Discuss things. Share. Learn on a joint effort. Help each other to adjust.
The newly married individual may still be basically dependent on his/her parents for emotional support, which requires patience, understanding, good communication, and time to work through it. Both families have expectations of the newly married couple, which can create conflicts and disappointments.
These expectations often encompass such things as where the couple spends holidays and vacations. Over the years, families create their own traditions and ways of thinking and behaving, which commonly take time for the newly married couples and their families to adjust.
Developing good relationships with in-laws toward upbeat benefits
|
Bear
in mind that parents still need concern and attention. They may fear rejection
by the new son/daughter-in-law.
Espouse
a constructive view about in-laws, to focus on good things and minimize issues.
Have
a high regard for in-laws as family members of the one you love. Keep in mind
that they love your spouse, and he/she loves them. Do not ever compete with them
for your spouse’s love. Try to become a heaven-sent part of that kin. Consider
that a parent has played the parental role for many years, put much time,
energy and self into a child’s development - developed a whole way of life that
revolves around rearing their child. The marriage of a child may change things
so dramatically that the parents are difficulty adjusting. They may want to
continue their job of parenting, or they may want to live through their child,
simply because they don’t want to “lose” their child.
Go
halves with your partner the responsibility on preserving contacts with both
families - writing letters, calling, sending gifts, and planning visits,
holidays and reunions which develop family acceptance.
Resolve
your own problems and shun from opposing your family against your spouse.
Be
cautious on directing any anger you
may feel toward your spouse toward his/her family.
Deal
with your own issues with sincerity and unrestricted conversation.
Get
out from comparing your spouse’s family to your own. This can lead to self-protectiveness,
contradictions, pointless quarrels and unkind emotions.
Deal
with both families fairly and squarely, and try to be “independent” as a couple.
Points to remember when making adjustments in a relationship
|
Realize
that adjustments have a divine purpose. God handles these issues to unite two
unique people into something new called “us,” and teach the couple how to love
another spectacularly different, imperfect human being. At highpoints, God uses
couple’s marriage to show how to love the unlovely.
Seek
God for wisdom on how to be with this person who’s different from you. Instead
of trying to change your spouse and correct all of the bad habits, learn how to
accept or adjust to the situation?
Be
more anxious about personal rough spots than those of your spouse, as Jesus
said, “Remove the wooden beam from your
eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's
eye” (Matthew 7:5) - an advice made in heaven for marriage. If the spouse is not willing
to make changes, how can she expect her/his partner to change?
Create
a commitment to operate through inescapable adjustments, as St. Paul says, “Do
nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as
more important than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3) - a grace-based marriage that gives the partner
a room to be unique and flexes on his or her behalf.
CONCLUSION
|
According
to a report, 82 percent of those who filed these cases had children and out of
that number, 59 percent had at least one or two children, 22 percent had three
to four children and one percent had five to six children.
The
report discloses that of those who filed for annulment, 61 percent were women
with 90 percent of them in their 20s, while only 4 percent were in their 30s.
On the other hand, only 39 percent of men initiated the filing of the complaint
with 70 percent of them in their 20s. Only 25 percent of the men who asked for
an annulment were in their 30s or 40s.
It
is also mentioned that the longer the marriage, the lower the chances of the
parties seeking annulment. Some 35 percent of married couples filed their
annulment cases within the first five years of their marriage. Of marriages
that lasted five years or more, only 26 percent ended in annulment, while those
that lasted more than 10 years, only 17 percent opted for annulment.
The
common ground cited for annulment was psychological incapacity. Other grounds
included lack of authority of the solemnizing officer, bigamous or polygamous
marriages and marriages where one or both parties were below the marrying age.
Given
the data, if the grounds for separation are psychological incapacity while below
the marrying age, then such an issue would most likely to balloon if youth are
not educated not by true commitment embedded in marriage vow and right age on
matrimony but also most significantly the strategic points on coping with marriage
adjustment period which requires conversation, openness, and giving space to
each other.
A
spouse is not an enemy but a friend. If a spouse does not consider his wife or her
husband a friend, it is possible that the two of them haven’t adjusted to each
other’s differences and are allowing the “quibbling” issues in life erode the
good feelings in a relationship.
Building
adjustments is typically not easy, but the rewards are worth the effort. Think
today of changes that will communicate clearly to the spouse that she/he is a
dear friend, not an enemy. That’s why I
affirm my brother Darwin for his humility to go to his wife when the latter
dared him for a separation.
Each spouse must adjust to qualities in a partner that weren’t detected or were overlooked while in the course of the fantastic days of dating.
Anyone who made a “sincerest” vow for a marriage, married to the right person, because God abhors divorce and wants one’s marriage to last, as one. (Genesis 2:24-25), AMEN!
References:
[1] Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Making Those Early Marriage Adjustments. published
by Thomas Nelson Publishers.
https://marriagemissions.com/making-those-early-marriage-adjustments/
[2] R. Lee, PhD, Adjustments in the Early Marriage Years, Department of
Family and Human Development, Utah State University, http://strongermarriage.org/htm/married/adjustments-in-the-early-marriage-years/
[3] Mississippi State University, Marriage Your First Year: Concerns of
Newlyweds, http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/marriage-your-first-year-concerns-of-newlyweds/index.aspx
[4] Anwesha Barari, Adjustment Period In Marriage: How To Deal With
It?, Published: Thursday, August 4,
2011, 16:23, http://www.boldsky.com/relationship/marriage-and-beyond/2011/adjustment-marriage-stages-040811.html
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